The Blame Game

I work in ministry and have for about eight years and I've noticed something about people when it comes to pain.

I first noticed it with emotional pain, because that's what I work with the most. Often, people would be going through very real, very hard emotional issues--sometimes attached to events, sometimes not. But more often than not, the people who came to sit in my office would complain about one thing; their support system. Often the people around them would try and blame the hard situation they were walking through on them... "well if you'd just _____, that wouldn't have happened to you." Rape is a good example. Women are often asked about what they wore, or how they acted, and many will say "well, you asked for it."

I call it victim blaming, and I've noticed the same thing happens with chronic illnesses like Type 1, and I think it happens for the following reasons:

1. Ignorance. Not everyone is like me and loves to research. I read articles on everything from faith and health to politics, and so when I was diagnosed with Type 1 I knew immediately the differences between that and Type 2, I'd read about it long ago. But as I began to explain to people what I had, I realized most people didn't know...they didn't realize that you could get T1 as an adult, nor did they realize it had nothing to do with what one ate, but was caused by auto-immune issues. This is the most forgivable because the blame is accidental. They genuinely usually care, and just want to give you the advice they know---eat right, exercise, etc---in order to help you get better. These are usually the people who constantly ask "can you eat that?" "Should you be doing that?" But their hearts are pure, despite the lack of information.
2. Fear. Watching someone you love go through a hard time is painful for a myriad of reasons. One, they want to fix it, as much for them as you (so that their pain will stop.) Two, you having a chronic illness for no reason reminds them that they could wake up one day with it, or their kids could, and that's a scary world to live in or acknowledge, and so often people assign blame in their minds because it makes them feel better. "Well if Alex wasn't overweight she wouldn't have gotten T1, so I don't have to worry about getting it!" This is harder because they may not even realize why they just rationalized your disease, they may not be able to verbalize their fear.
3. Lack of Empathy. Empathy is one of my number one gifts, it's easy for me to dive into someone else's world and try to understand it. But I'm realizing how rare this is, mostly because our culture does a poor job of valuing it so children don't learn to do this. Because of that, it's easy for people to assign blame or minimize the seriousness of this disease. Empathy is a choice, and something most people have to practice, so as long as people are willing, I have grace.

Now, knowing the above doesn't make getting victim blamed easier. But it does help us with a plan of attack. If I know it's ignorance, I try to kindly educate the person I'm talking to. If it's fear, I'm a big fan of calling out the covert and making it overt...ie. "I know it's scary to think that you could one day wake up and your child could have T1 because her immune system attacked an organ...it's even scarier to live." Acknowledging fear makes it less scary...I also usually throw in a joke to lighten the blow of that. If it's a lack of empathy though, I evaluate how important having that person is in my life, because if they cannot empathize, they aren't a life giving relationship.

If anything T1 has made me look at my relationships and question who is worth keeping. Who is good for my health? Who gives me life? Having a chronic illness has shifted my priorities and I've come to realize that I don't have time for people who don't give me life. That sounds harsh, but stress shoots my blood sugars up, and so in a tangible way, I don't have room in my life for stressful or life sucking friendships.

And that's okay. It's called priorities and for the first time in my life, I'm putting myself at the top!

What about you? Have you experienced victim blaming? How did you handle it?